Men wash their hands of many things, most commonly dirt.
Real men are not afraid to sing happy birthday in public. Especially in public restrooms.
A recent explosion of signs detailing advanced hand washing techniques in public restrooms explain that you should, “Count to twenty as you wash your hands, or sing happy birthday twice.” Apparently “Happy Birthdays” are how we measure hand cleanliness. Example: “My hands are three happy birthdays clean.”
It all boils down to how much funk you got on your hands. Men don’t go around rubbin’ hand funk all over the place, that’s disrespectful, and men are not disrespectful. As a point of clarification: The “no funk” rule applies to hands and smells. A man may (and is strongly encouraged to) wear funky clothes, listen to funky beats, get funky and play funky music.
Diseases love unwashed hands. They also kill people. As we have previously discussed, men are huge supporters of not dying.
Ergo, men wash their hands in an effort to win the war against disease. They do not wash out of fear, but rather to overcome bacterial ambushes. Men wash before or after many common activities such as patting a runner on the back or open-heart surgery. More commonly, after using the restroom.
Now, I know you’re saying, “Why should I wash my hands after handling my junk I know where my junk has been? It’s just hangin’ out, being clean. If anything, I should wash my hands, before I use the bathroom.”
Yes.
You should wash your hands before you use the bathroom.
And again afterward.
I don’t care that “urine is sterile;” men don’t pee on each other.
Splashage aside. Let’s say you manage to walk up to a urinal, take care of business and walk away without a drop of unpleasantness on your hands. You still have all of the germs from when you stuck your gum to the bottom of a desk or picked your nose earlier in the day. (Note: Men don’t do either of these things.)
However, even if you don’t, someone else does, and every doorknob you turn, railing you grab and hand you shake covers your hands with someone else’s snot, and men don’t walk around with snot on their hands.
So, it’s not your junk that needs washing (although you should do that too), it’s your hands.
Men: Three Happy Birthdays clean. Always.
Alex Bill is a sophomore studying psychology. Ask him about man stuff at ab279708@ohiou.edu.
@ThePostCulture
