Men are a part of nature. They walk around, chests out, breathing all day just so that trees have some carbon dioxide to absorb. Men are thoughtful like that.
Think of Johnny Appleseed. Sure, he introduced a foreign species into thousands of homeostatic environments, possibly compromising the stability and very survival of those ecosystems but he did it very well. And that is what matters.
Now, all men don’t necessarily devote themselves to a life of isolated, migratory orchard-planting, but they do respect the earth. And while running around and hugging trees is overkill, recycling and not littering are very doable.
That’s correct; men recycle. Yes, sorting bottles and walking the extra 30 steps to take out recycling is annoying, but so is drowning in an ever-expanding mountain of landfill that slowly overtakes all of our then-unusable farmland, after melting through our cancer-preventing ozone layer.
You won’t find the word “lazy” in a man’s vocabulary. But you will find “nature-tastic,” “eco-fronominal” and “chlorofluorocarbons.”
Men respect nature because they reflect nature. Men are like nature in that both support their surroundings. While nature has the nitrogen cycle, men have bowling leagues.
Trees are like really tall men. They also photosynthesize and live for hundreds of years and absorb nutrients from the ground, so they’re not really like men at all. But they are cool.
Green thumbs are for pre-pubescent boys. Real men have green … well, something elses.
Seriously though, if it’s green, you should get it checked out.
Gardening develops a sense of nurturing mastery over the world. You don’t grow flowers; you grow pride. “Why yes, those are my azaleas. I’m not saying that they came in second at the gardening show, but I am holding the plaque.”
Plus, sexy gardeners are sexy.
Nothing helps a man acquire an unhealthy hatred of rabbits and deer (a very important man trait) like defending leafy plants.
Gardening involves manual labor with an obnoxiously large collection of tools. It requires tactical precision and constant vigilance, as literally everything but the man who tends the plants tries to kill them. Examples: microorganisms infect and kill; animals and bugs eat; snow freezes; sun helps, but only until it dries out and kills; rain helps, but only until it drowns or uproots; and non-men pollute or trample.
Gardening is a bloodless war that ends with you showing off your developed triceps while enjoying homegrown tomatoes.
Men: Earth, Fire, Wind, Water and Heart … but mostly Earth.
Alex Bill is a sophomore studying psychology. Ask him about man stuff at
ab279708@ohiou.edu.
@ThePostCulture
