Let’s get something straight. Sweat is not salty water that the body excretes to maintain a comfortable temperature. Sweat is liquefied manliness.
That’s right. Concentrated man-edness is liquid at room temperature. Can’t believe it’s not butter? Well it’s not, because butter is solid at room temperature.
Sweating also spreads manliness to everything fortunate enough to come in contact with the big, dripping man. Think of sweat ducts as the socialists of man-sweat, philanthropically sharing the manliness.
Men sweat on a regular basis, in order to keep their Inner Manliness Concentration (IMC) at manageable levels.
There are several ways to go about regulating your IMC.
Some men run or bike. Covering vast distances allows men to spread their manliness over rivers and through woods. Plus, it is great for your buns and thighs.
Other men sweat in workout rooms. Modern-day torture chambers, these “machine weight rooms” allow men to relive the high adrenaline lifestyle of the Spanish Inquisition for the low, low price of $80 a month. However, men are sure to wash those metal contortion machines after using them, knowing that too much manliness in one place causes weird stuff to grow.
Only the manliest of men regulate their IMC in a sauna. Most men can’t handle the naked strength of three or four men all sitting in one hot, sweaty room, just shedding manliness. In fact, saunas are so manly, that some men leave them more a man than when they walked in.
Sports are elaborate and evolving group-sweating rituals. Men get together and make up some excuse such as, “Hey, wanna play football?” or “How about a game of full-contact chess?” You might as well cut the crap and just ask me to sweat with you. Plus, group sports help people bond, and everyone knows that men love bondage.
Without regular exercise, a man’s IMC can reach dangerous levels. He might enter a fit of hysteria and wear white after Labor Day, or worse…scrapbooking.
There are some side effects to purging yourself of excess manliness. You become particularly difficult to grapple. You develop the power to repel individuals with overly sensitive nostrils and weak constitutions. Your muscles strengthen and enlarge. You even burn calories and are forced to “feel healthy” afterward. And there is always the nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, dizziness, fainting and death.
Men: “That’s not B.O.; that’s cologne. I made it myself.”
— Alex Bill is a sophomore studying psychology. Ask him about man stuff at ab279708@ohiou.edu
