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Big Shot Barker: 'Twilight Saga' calms anxiety of winter break

The end of the quarter is bittersweet for me. Of course I will be glad to have a break from constant homework and meetings, but I will miss my friends — few as they may be — and Athens.

But you want to know the greatest thing about break?

Even though I will be spending my entire break refolding clothes and greeting people at American Eagle, which is amazing and terrible at the same time, I will finally be able to see the film that will change this nation forever.

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part I.

Yes, people, it is almost here. Nov. 18 will mark an epic day in history when humans can finally have vampire babies and werewolves can roam free.

If you haven’t noticed by now, I am a “Twi-Hard.” This term simply means that I am obsessed with everything Twilight and have read every book and have seen every movie at least 20 times.

No big deal.

Some may judge me for choosing to believe that vampires sparkle and werewolves look just like Taylor Lautner, but I say it is all for fun and a little lunacy. I cannot tell you how many times I have been personally victimized by Twi-Haters.   

They laugh, they mock and some try to have debates over how stupid and illogical the series is. When this happens, I usually go in to a spiel about how the story is not about logic but rather about love.

They usually laugh some more and walk away. All I can say is: “Haters gonna hate.”

I have this tradition where I take some lucky individuals with me to the premiere of each movie. They must be as excited as me and listen to me comment on every scene and wardrobe choice in the film, but they are not allowed to speak themselves. If they do, I throw popcorn in their face and tell them they are ruining the magic.

My anxiety will finally be calmed when I see the opening credits of this monumental movie. Only then will I finally be able to see the text that I have memorized come to life before my very eyes.

Scenes I am most creepily looking forward to: Edward and Bella’s wedding, their wedding night, when they find out Bella is preggers, when the werewolves get angry, when the Volturi comes knocking and finally when that little vampire baby pops out.

Ah, what I have learned from this series.   

If you are confused about the aforementioned items, I don’t blame you, but there is simply not enough space for me to explain all the wonderful and disturbing parts of this saga.

So, as you scratch your head in confusion, shake your head in disgust or jump up and down with excitement, I will leave you with an important message to think about.

If you haven’t seen any of the movies, I suggest you take full advantage of this movie extravaganza. You see, this will be one of the last times to see Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson not being as awkward as they usually are.

That is an incredible feat in itself.

Take this all into consideration as winter break edges closer. And when you and your family gather around the Thanksgiving table, be sure to say how thankful you are for the Cullen family and the ability for vampires and humans to procreate.

Hallie Gebel is a sophomore studying broadcast journalism and a columnist for The Post. Are you willing to have popcorn thrown at you? Email her at hg211609@ohiou.edu.

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