Dear BedPost People,
I have a dirty little secret - I have a MAJOR fetish for the BDSM lifestyle. I see myself as a submissive partner. Should I only seek out those partners who understand? Should I give up on my fantasies forever and just keep them to myself? Won’t my future partners think less of me if they know my naughty thoughts?
In sincere need of suggestions,
-Secret Sub
Dear Secret Sub, Meet my mistress, Madame Moderation.
Diet, exercise and sex all hold one common thread. It’s not just that they’re all essential to the tapestry of life; it is moderation, which dominates all three.
Too much of a good thing is bad, which can be a good thing for those following the BDSM (bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism) lifestyle.
A happy medium must exist in which sexual beings can whip and spank at night and work at checking off their to-do lists during the day. Why carry our sex lives like we carry our briefcases? Pleasure does not define our work ethics or who we are as a person. We do this through our acts of kindness, bravery and self-awareness.
It is already amazingly brave of you to have written to us.
Explain to future partners, playmates and lifelong loves that these naughty (you bad, bad girl, you) nuances in the bedroom do not parallel freakiness or kinkiness in more serious relationship realms.
Instead, remember your sex life is one tenth of the person you are. Don’t chicken out when showing people who you are outside the bedroom cell.
Maybe you’ll find a binding buddy who also wraps around your heart or perhaps, you will wake up one day and decide to dominate the dating scene instead of the BDSM one. The choice is yours alone. It will work out because warm-blooded individuals, who wish otherwise, never wind up on their own.
Madame Moderation commands you so.
Steph Doan is a junior studying journalism.
You ask a number of questions, Secret Sub, so here are a number of answers.
Yes, partners who understand you are always a better choice for long-term relationships rather than partners who know nothing about you.
No, giving up on your fantasies forever will lead you to a lifetime of sexual repression and unhappiness, which will culminate in your becoming a depressed septuagenarian with an unhealthy collection of (by then) antique sex toys. Or, it could end with your sabotaging the relationship and running off with the nearest horse jockey or Lion’s Den employee.
No, only future partners who do not respect or care for you will think less of you for your fetish — partners you should not be with in the first place. Caring partners, understanding partners, partners with a little bit of the kink themselves, will love you for it and help you to explore your fantasy.
Sexual compatibility is a very important part of long-term, monogamous relationships. Without it, a monogamous relationship cannot last.
Introduce your prospective partner to your sexual interests little by little (something you should do with any interest). A caring and respectful partner will be willing to try new things with you.
Even if you don’t get all the way to ceiling-suspended sex swings, maybe, you can find happiness with a great partner and a set of fuzzy handcuffs.
Alex Bill is a junior studying psychology and criminology.
Send Alex and Steph your questions about sex and love at thebedpostpeople@gmail.com.
