These are a few of my favorite things…
Condoms: A latex or “non-latex” (whatever that means) glove for a penis, so there is only one finger. It covers the penis like a protective shield against unwanted love juice leaking out and making a baby.
Female condoms: Latex or “non-latex” (good grief, Charlie Brown) little pouches inserted into vaginas. It is the exact reverse of a condom, which fits because a vagina is the exact reverse of a penis. At about four dollars each, they are slightly more expensive, essentially making them cheaper than a hooker.
Diaphragms: Old-fashioned and no one really uses them anymore besides our moms, which is totally gross and disturbing. Let’s stop here.
The pill: Small, looks like a shrunken Altoid or allergy pill. It is in no way a good thing to confuse it with either. There are four rows and it is kept in a cool flippy-mini-case-thing, making it look official. The pill’s scientific function is to stop the female reproductive track from dropping an egg until the week of her period.
That way there is nothing for eager-beaver sperms to sink their teeth into and make a baby.
Plan B: What happens when a girl forgets to take the pill for like five days.
(Those pills are so little they disappear in, like, a second when you drop them onto the carpet. I swear that’s why my cat has never gotten pregnant.) Also helpful if a condom breaks or no protection occurs. Plan B is one or two pills that contain a high dosage of birth control and are taken within a 72-hour window.
But there is no 100 percent assurance, as with all birth control methods besides abstinence.
Why the vocabulary lesson?
I am calling in an order for better sex education, please. (Never order that at Avalanche Pizza; it confuses them and the Godzilla is a much, much tastier pizza.)
But really, boys will be boys and boys will most likely have sex with girls. If not with girls, that is OK, too. Still, all sex needs a foundation of education.
Otherwise, mistakes happen that can shatter a young adult’s life.
Even if you’re of age — if there is such a thing as the right age to start having sex — birth control methods can be tricky.
It is sickeningly ironic to me that a country as universally educated as ours keeps birth control so far out of reach. I’ve called gyno after gyno after drug dealer, pleading for an appointment to begin or switch birth control pills, only to get an appointment one month later. Yes, during those four to five weeks there are other birth control methods such as condoms or abstinence. But why is there a pack-of-birth-control-long wait for me to sit on a cold metal table alone for 20 minutes and then be written a prescription within seconds? And if I am 18 and new to campus, where do I find the right doctor, let alone the courage to ask?
When I was lost in a sea of birth control methods, I reached answers in a solid place: Planned Parenthood. They offer affordable services and products without judgment, and have been doing so since 1916 when a crazy broad and her gal pals began the clinic in Brooklyn and got arrested for it.
The woman was so against babies she went to jail for it. Not really, she just wanted her daughters (us) to one day have the choice of being baby haters.
The Planned Parenthood website details every birth control method, STD, problem or sexual concern affecting those who are sexually active or abstinent.
There is even an online tool called “My Method” that walks visitors through each type of birth control and gives individual suggestions. Now, this website should in no way take the place of visiting a doctor. Just make sure and call ahead first – reservation for one, hopefully.
If it is more urgent, you can visit your local Planned Parenthood, a federally funded program — for now.
Did I forget to mention it is part of one presidential candidate’s platform to take away all of Planned Parenthood’s federal aid? Before you vote, know that there is a lot more giving his platform height than just tax breaks — things that affect every woman, virgin or not. When really, cute wedges and honest sex education are way more in style.
Steph Doan is a senior studying journalism. Want to chat sex, love or rock ‘n’ roll (but really, just sex or love)? Send her an email at thebedpostpeople@gmail.com.
