What do you do with a girl whose only sports knowledge is that the Browns play football — and that Ohio University’s hockey team has at least one fine-looking player?
You invite her to a fantasy hockey league, of course.
I’ve heard (with little interest) various friends talk about their fantasy sports adventures throughout the years. But I was never compelled to join in. After all, I don’t even like fantasy novels, and I’m an avid reader. Why would I enjoy the fantasy version of something I don’t care about at all?
But for some reason, this recent invitation to partake in a fantasy hockey league intrigued me, so in I dived.
My first task: trash talk. Telling friends whose hockey knowledge was light-years ahead of mine that I was going to beat them was crucial, because after a while, my confidence started to scare them.
Next up was discovering how fantasy leagues work. I was disappointed to learn that boosting my hockey knowledge wouldn’t help me, because I didn’t actually control the games — they were based on real-life matches (I’m still having a tough time with this concept).
However, I didn’t have much time to mourn, because it was soon time for the draft.
The hour or so I spent drafting my players was a truly thrilling experience. The sounds, the colors, the heart-pounding intensity — it was like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
Selecting my players (none of whom I’d ever heard of) was a challenge. At first, my goal was to put together the best-looking batch of puck-slinging men on ice skates you can imagine. With that in mind, a league mate suggested I look up photos of Kris Letang. I saw, I conquered, and with that, my first player was chosen.
Right about then, though, my conscience started nagging me. I didn’t want to be one of those horrible girls who judges men (or hockey players, as it were) only by what’s on the surface. With that in mind, I clicked out of Google Images and started asking more important questions about my potential players.
For instance, what are their favorite colors? What are their hobbies? Do they have any cool pets?
After all, if a guy isn’t interesting and doesn’t enjoy his life, he’s not going to play good hockey.
However, trivia on hockey players was tough to find, as it turns out, when I only had a few minutes between each of my draft picks. Thus, my hopes of having a team of guys who like the colors navy and fuchsia and have pet elephants and skunks were also dashed.
So I turned to my final tactic, the one that was most genius. I decided to give hot Kris Letang some company — a bunch of other guys named Kris.
The 2013 season projections for most of my Krisses were dismal, but I didn’t care. What do goals matter when I have the Krissiest team ever? At the end of the draft, and after a quick trade, I had eight Krisses — every single eligible player with that name.
I know. I could barely handle the excitement, either.
I don’t really know what happens next, but I do know this — with all this Kris action going on, I’m not going to be bored.
Oh, also, I’m going to beat you.
Rebecca McKinsey is the managing editor of The Post. Help her learn about hockey — email her at firstname.lastname@example.org.