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Post Column: Give Americans the Death Star we deserve

American people are frankly tired of the government disappointing them — especially when it’s an issue regarding their safety.

Last month, 34,435 people signed a petition asking the government to build a Death Star by 2016. The government’s response was less than serious. Does the government believe that all those people were joking? It’s almost insulting.

As Americans, we love blowing things up. So how can the government simply shut down a device that would make the biggest and coolest explosion the world has ever seen?

Luckily, the White House promises to officially respond to any petition that meets its threshold of signatures. Let’s go through the reasons our government gave as to why this would be a bad project.

1.    “The construction of the Death Star has been estimated to cost more than $850,000,000,000,000,000. We’re working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it.”

OK, there’s been a lot of debate during the past few months in Congress regarding the budget and how we shouldn’t spend money on what we don’t have and blah, blah, blah. But, as Americans, we always find the money we don’t have to fund military measures. This is an issue that is completely necessary and I don’t see how our government can brush it aside.

To help reduce the cost, we could turn to the most fortunate 1 percent of the country. We could reduce their taxes so they will have more money to fund the Death Star. The project will create an immeasurable amount of jobs for Americans (let’s just hope they don’t outsource it).

The government could also mint a coin that is worth $850,000,000,000,000,000. Problem solved.

2.    “The Administration does not support blowing up planets.”

Well, if the inhabitants who exist on a certain planet want to destroy us, then being able to blow them up would be very useful. Also, imagine the Fourth of July if we could blow up Jupiter. Best fireworks ever.

3.    “Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?”

Does the Death Star have a fundamental flaw? Absolutely, but a Death Star would mean bragging rights for the rest of the universe. We could paint a giant American flag on the side and never be bothered.

The official White House response also mentions that there is no need for a Death Star because we already have the moon to act as a space station. But can the moon travel around the universe independently and blow things up?

That’s probably the reason NASA put a stop to traveling to the moon: not enough action going on up there.

America needs this Death Star built, and if the government won’t listen, then it’s time to take actions into our own hands. We could privatize the project or even do it illegally out in the Arizona desert. Let’s just hope the Russians don’t find out.

Jessica Ensley is a sophomore studying journalism at Ohio University and a columnist for The Post. Should the government build a Death Star? Email Jessica at je726810@ohiou.edu.

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