It’s Friday morning, the day after my first session with WellWorks personal trainer Eli Lamberson, and I can’t get out of bed.
For a couple weeks prior to this meeting with Eli, I had decided it would be best to do some work on my own. This typically revolved around light sets of push-ups, pull-ups, sit-ups and every other kind of “up” exercise I could think of, and I thought that I would probably be pretty prepared for whatever workout Eli was concocting.
But absolutely nothing could have adequately prepared me for this kind of full-body soreness. What’s worse — er, better? — is that it’s only going to get more extreme (see: painful) from here on out.
For any veteran gym rats reading this column, I probably seem like I’m over-exaggerating, to which I reply: I probably am.
Thursday’s workout revolved around exercises in sets of three to four, with each set consisting of six to 12 reps. (According to Eli, this is a good formula to follow if you’re looking to build mass.) I dead-lifted, goblet-squatted, bench-pressed and threw around a medicine ball while I was balanced on my butt. At the time, it was a really good, subtly grueling time.
But, as I lie on what I’ve determined to be my deathbed, I hate myself for even describing the prior evening’s events as “fun.”
I’m both new and not new to this kind of soreness, as I’ve followed strength-training programs before. I’ve experienced it in all of the individual muscle groups before, but the pain has never spread throughout my entire being so completely.
If all of that whining wasn’t enough, here are more “fun” facts to keep in mind and to fuel my self-loathing: 1.) It’s only week one. 2.) IT’S ONLY WEEK ONE, and 3.) I will eventually be moving up to train with CrossFit, an even more intense workout regimen that allows very little to no time for breaks, and which I presume equates to handing my soul to ripped demons in the fiery pits of weightlifting hell.
Now, some apologies are in order. Professor Griffin, I’m sorry that I won’t be making it to this morning’s Plants and People lecture, but I literally can’t feel my legs, arms, shoulders, heart beating, etc.
And Mom and Dad, I’m sorry if you’re disappointed that I’m not going to class, but go ahead and throw yourself from the window in my second-story room back home and then we can talk about dealing with pain.
Jake is a junior studying journalism and a stringer for The Post. Offer him workout tips at jd202409@ohiou.edu.
