By Matt Z. Rella
Cheese Stringer
Despite objections from the city’s Historical Preservation Board, an outcry from residents and complete obliviousness from students who are paying attention to other things, Athens City Council has decided to move forward with plans to replace the city’s iconic bricks with easier-to-clean linoleum.
The move was sparked by the City Street Sweepers’ Union, which has long been opposed to Athens’ signature paving material.
“It’s just so hard to clean!” whined Martha Mops, the union’s chief negotiator. “Especially on the weekends, when students are puking in the street. It’s a nightmare!”
City Councilwoman Georgia Bribeable said council mostly agreed to the linoleum plan because Mops’ whining was so effective.
“We really just wanted her to shut up. And it’s not like the bricks are going anywhere — we’re just putting linoleum on top of them. I think it will really make this place homey,” she said, adding that her own kitchen has a linoleum floor.
The city has created a task force to rename everything that has to do with bricks in order to correspond with Athens’ new image — from Boogie on the Slick to the Battle of the Pricks. Local artist Hawk is working on redesigning the seal of the city.
“I think I’ve really captured the feel of linoleum,” Hawk said, standing in front of a canvas with splotches of mustard on it. “What do you think?”
Almost every Athens resident disapproves of the plan, citing the tackiness of many linoleum patterns.
“When you first put it in, sure, it looks great,” said Theo Ludman, adding that his kitchen floor is louder than his mother-in-law. “But then suddenly, it’s 30 years later, and you’re regretting all of your life choices.”
Political analyst Cantelle Hoozhoo published an inflammatory blog post claiming the Street Sweepers’ Union pushed the linoleum plan in order to get more sweeping jobs for its members.
“They snuck it right under our noses!” Hoozhoo said. “The plan is to replace street sweeper trucks with Swiffer WetJets, meaning it will take three times as many people to clean one street. This is dirty politics to the core.”
Bribeable agreed.
“Yep, we gave them a pretty sweet deal,” she said.
