Well, friends, here we are at the end of another semester. As I look out the barred window of this cop car at the verdant landscape of College Green, I can’t help but reflect on what a great time I’ve had here at Ohio University. I’ve made friends, learned a lot about life and had more fun than I ever thought possible.
My years attending OU have been some of the best of my life, and it makes me all the happier that I’m definitely not graduating in two weeks and won’t be for a good long while!
If I were a graduating senior, which I’m definitely not, you can imagine what kind of emotional whirlwind I’d be experiencing right about now. Nostalgia for all the great things I’ve done! Regret for all the missed opportunities I didn’t take!
Imminent terror at the idea of having to pretend to be a responsible adult 24/7 instead of an 8-year-old in a grown man’s body! Even more regret for trying to murder a freshman to steal his identity, and then getting arrested for it!
Boy howdy, if I were graduating in two weeks — if a measly 14 days were all that stood between me and the inevitable endless nightmare that is adulthood — I tell ya, I’d be freaking out! I bet it would be a pretty pitiful sight: a grown man desperately clinging to his youth in a futile attempt at forestalling his ejection from the comforting bubble he’s created for himself. You’d probably catch me huddled outside Goodfellas or something, weeping loudly to myself and pitifully typing up some kind of farewell colu-
[Editor’s Note: A few paragraphs here have been rendered illegible by what seems to be a mixture of tear stains and tomato sauce.]
Sad! Just sad, is what that would be.
Fortunately for me, I’m merely a baby-faced young freshman, ready to move on up to the next tier of college life. I sure can’t wait to turn 21 and try some of this “alcohol” thing that everybody’s going on about! Hopefully I won’t spend the next few years getting drunk at bars every night instead of working hard and studying, leaving me completely and utterly unprepared for the cold, uncaring post-graduation world!
Because that — that would be terrible, if that were happening. Which it isn’t.
If I were graduating, I’d probably take this time to thank my editors at The Post, who are seriously the best for putting up with my general stupidity, as well as all the Post readers who’ve enjoyed my dumb little columns over the past year and a half. You guys are just — you’re the best, I love you all so much. I never want to leave you; what the hell am I supposed to do without you guys? Where am I supposed to go from here? I have nothing! I have nothing else to live for!
... is what I would be saying, if I were leaving.
But happily enough, I’ve still got three long years to go, during which I’ll be sure to pump out plenty of columns for your entertainment! Why, when I think of all the great laughs we’re going to have together, it’s enough to make me weep, uncontrollably, like a small child torn away from its mother’s breast, and who is then told he has to start assembling a portfolio. What does that word even mean, I AM ABSOLUTELY NOT READY FOR THIS.
Okay. It’s fine. It’s totally fine. Deep breaths.
Anyway, folks, I might not be graduating for a very long time, but I’d still like to end the semester by sincerely wishing you guys the best of luck and happiness. If you’ve still got some time left here, make sure to get involved, work hard, have fun and make the most of your college experience, because it’ll be over sooner than you think. As for those of us you who are graduating, it might seem scary now, but so did college that first day you arrived. You’ve got four or more years at OU under your belt, and if you can make it here, you can handle anything the world throws your way.
Or at least, that’s what I’m banking on.
Stay gold, Athens. See you on the outside.
Ryan McAndrews is a senior studying journalism and denial at Ohio University and a columnist for The Post who definitely will not be graduating any time soon. Send him your condolences at firstname.lastname@example.org.