There is perhaps no phrase more overused in the state of Ohio than the claim that this state has unpredictable weather patterns, with the exception possibly being phrases like, “Maybe next year,” “O-H!” or the ever-so-original, “I-O!”
No one ever accused us Ohioans of not being able to spell, that’s for certain.
So even though almost everyone residing in Ohio knows that the weather changes faster than Taylor Swift’s “absolute soulmate,” this very fine university that I call home seems to be a bit in the dark on the subject, or should I say, the desert.
Yes, despite this long-standing tradition of erratic weather patterns in Ohio, when the city of Athens experiences a dramatic temperature change, everyone immediately goes crazy.
The heat never truly turned off, the air condtioning never came on, and even that one old angry guy who always makes condescending comments about how lucky we are that we aren’t under the sweltering ’Nam sun even admitted that the inside of all campus facilities were unbearable.
Whoever said “you get what you pay for” has never paid college tuition … or bought those frosted Wal-Mart-brand cookies, but that’s beside the point.
Sorry students, but money does not buy you love or happiness. So why would it buy you climate control?
After the sudden spike in temperatures last week that climbed into the mid-80s:
Part of the Ping Center closed because of the heat problem, which disappointed many female exercisers at the missed opportunity to sweat off their non-fat yogurt and cantaloupe at a faster rate. Various dining hall employees were sent home for nearly fainting from being behind hot grills, which added to the chaos and mutiny that occurs in campus dining facilities every time the Chipotle mayo runs out. The thermostat in the library was unhinged and replaced with a rudimentary drawing of skull and crossbones, which only just made the place more unwelcoming than usual.
There are environments conducive to learning and efficient research, and then there is a 90-degree sweatshop full of lost souls. I’m not quite sure where the first one is, but the second is the library.
Alden Library: Study Here, Sweat Here, Keep Lids on Your Drinks Here, Die Here.
Last Wednesday just so happened to be the day I had planned to spend the entire day in the library. After changing into traditional Alden Library temperature-appropriate attire, which is something between “freeway strip club” and “redneck wedding,” I spent my afternoon and evening on the first floor trying to complete my class project smack dab in the middle of some sort of focus group set up to determine where some decorative sailboats should be displayed.
It felt like the Amazon in hell down there and they were nostalgically discussing the hobby of model boats. Bless them. Optimism is a feat I have failed to master.
Somehow I managed to finish my paper without disintegrating or breaking the keyboard with my own sweat, an accomplishment I felt very proud of, because here at Ohio University, the Promise Lives … until it dies of heat exhaustion.
I guess that’s why the whole tuition “freeze” idea isn’t going over well.
Jackie Runion is a junior studying journalism at Ohio University and a columnist for The Post. How do you beat the heat? Email Jackie at firstname.lastname@example.org.