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Spicing things up works with compromise, communication

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a while and some things were getting vanilla in the sack there for a while. Since expressing this realization to each other, we’ve been getting adventurous. Lately, he’s been dirty talking to me a lot which is fine, but he calls me a lot of demeaning names and I think it’s just in the throes of passion, but sometimes I don’t wanna be called a ‘nasty slut,’ I just want to have sex. And also, it’s a little creepy and hurtful. How do I tell him not to go that far without putting out the flame all together?

First of all, I’m going to urge you to go watch the last few episodes of season two of Girls, because this is some serious life imitating art and it’s crazy.

But, on a more serious note, it’s great you two trust each other enough to discuss spicing it up in the bedroom. I’m glad you lovebirds are throwing some hot fudge into the vanilla, but sometimes, if it’s not quite right, you can get burned.

Good gravy, I love ice cream puns.

Good sexual and personal relationships have a lot in common in that compromise and communication are (almost) everything. It’s great you’ve compromised and communicated, but even with the most consensual, considerate sex, it may not float both of your boats. Both of your boats are very important, mind you.

Dirty talk is not the only way to enhance sexual experiences and not all dirty talk has to be demeaning and hurtful. You can explore what works for both of you and honestly, this is the most fun type of experimenting I’ve heard of in a long while. 

Like you said, I have a really hard time believing he actually thinks you’re a dirty whore or whatever he is spouting off in the heat of the moment but if it bothers you, it is definitely worth discussing.

When discussing kinks and experimenting in the bedroom, tact is key. Picture every guy trying a new move you don’t like as a little puppy chewing up a slipper. They may not understand what they did is wrong, they probably didn’t mean any harm, but you should probably tell them it wasn’t a good thing they did without scaring them off. I wouldn’t recommend whacking a man with a newspaper though … Just trust me.

Speak to him as you’d like to be spoken to and assure him it’s nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, but you’d like to be referred to a little more kindly mid-coitus. I’m sure if he’s a stand-up guy he’ll understand and, as with puppies, you can give him a treat for good behavior.

Or treat him like a human… This metaphor may be getting into borderline bestiality territory. 

Looking for a way to spice it up in the bedroom? Ask Kristin for some tips and tricks at

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