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Bed Post- Ian Ording

If you must stir a sleeping partner, you better make breakfast

How to avoid giving your partner a rude awakening

How should you wake up your significant other in the morning?

Do you have an air horn?

Please keep reading and don’t go try using an air horn on a sleeping loved one. That’s a bad idea.

When ushering a living being from dream walking back into consciousness, gentleness should be priority number one. A light graze along the back, a caress of the cheek, a whispered “Good morning.” There are a number of ways to wake someone you care about, just be sure it’s not a shake or a shout or something of that nature. That will only make for a terrible start to the day for both of you.

With that in mind, all these strategies are useful under the assumption of one very specific caveat.

Is there anything actually worth waking up for?

If the answer to that is “No,” DO NOT WAKE THEM UP.

Unless you’ve just constructed some spectacular breakfast or the person next to you is going to be late for class or work, let him or her keep sleeping.

Really though, breakfast is pretty much the only thing that someone would wake up and say, “Oh, that’s great, I’m happy to be up.” Anything else is a cruel thrust into a hateful existence on a planet slowly spinning closer and closer to a fiery death with every second of every day. French toast makes it better, though.

Ian Ording is a senior studying journalism and copy chief of The Post.

I feel like I heard 13-year-olds musing about this same inquiry a whole lot from 2008 to 2010. “Good morning texts <333” was a status you could post to Facebook that was guaranteed to get at least 12 sympathy likes, and 13-year-olds love sympathy likes.

Truly, “good morning” texts don’t make my heart stutter. They never did. I’m very appreciative of any human who’s willing to alert me to the time of day — or even tell me how excited they are about said time of day — via digital scribblings. I’ll even echo your “good morning.” Just don’t expect me to swoon over it. I think people deserve less credit for making simple observations to people they’re sexually attracted to. Is it morning? Is it good? These are philosophical theories that could shake the very ground your very relationship stands on. Start your day with some depth.

That being said, there’s more than one way to say good morning. You’re probably not sending that smiley face-laden text if your partner is lying next to you in bed. If you are, it’s not as clever as you think it is. Stop that. Wait until your bed mate is awake and ticking to offer a friendly “Hello” or “Who are you?” It’s only fair that you let them get in a few eye-rubbing and heavy-blinking moments before they catapult into the reality that it’s morning and they’re with you.

If you’ve been dating said bed mate, and he or she happens to think you’re a pretty all right person, waking up your mate with coffee certainly can’t hurt. Waking them up with eggs and coffee is even better. Definitely never say, “Gee, you look tired!” or “Wow, you’re hideous right now!” Save that junk for later. I usually try to understand that insults can only follow coffee and at least 10 minutes in the morning to gather oneself.

Emma Ockerman is a sophomore studying journalism and local editor of The Post.

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