WASHINGTON, D.C. — Pew Research Center analysts have been avidly doing research about the 2016 election and its effects on the well-being of individuals, and they have reached the conclusion that the results of the election will not fix the gaping hole of sadness in most American’s hearts.
“Yeah, everyone’s just pretty sad,” lead writer D’Vera Cohn told reporters. “They all seem to have strong opinions on the presidential candidates, but according to our results, whatever presidency occurs over the next four years, regardless of the outcome, it won’t fill the meaningless void in their souls.”
The analysts took statistics from all over the nation, noticing that nearly everyone was unhappy in general, whether they thought it was due to the election or not.
“Many of them believe that the election is making them upset,” Pew Research Center Vice President Claudia Deane said. “When in reality, it’s a greater, deeper sadness that no politics can fill. Regardless of economic issues and whatnot, no great president is going to make anyone less sad.”
“It kind of sucks that people actually feel their opinion matters,” Director and Political Research Analyst Carroll Doherty said. “When in reality, their opinions in the long run won’t really affect the well-being of themselves or the well-being of the nation. I mean, at least they feel special, but they still feel incredibly sad, and no amount of political obsession is going to fix that.”
“No big deal,” Research Associate Maeve Duggan said. “It always happens. They’ll all get over it and the never-ending cycle of life will move on. None of this will matter in 100 years anyway. Except the whole climate thing. We probably should get on that.”
Marco Omta is a sophomore studying music production. How do you feel about the election? Email Marco at mo183714@ohio.edu.
