Classes are winding down and friendsgivings have passed just in time to head back to your hometown for Thanksgiving. If your hometown is small and rundown like mine, then you’re especially excited to see everything that inspired you to pack up and leave in the first place.
On the drive home with your parents, your mom will start the consistent badgering with yelling at you about how much clothing you packed, how much laundry you brought home or simply how you look worse than when you left home. Your dad will most likely sit and act as if nothing’s wrong. Moments like these will make you miss living at home, and wonder why you only talk to your parents in a weekly phone call.
Once you arrive home, head upstairs to see how your parents have renovated your room since you’ve been gone. Your mom turned one half into a gym, your dad turned the other half into an office space and the family dog has officially established residency on your bed. It’s nice to see that your bedroom has no sentimental value to the rest of your family.
Turkey day has arrived and you’re eager to see the rest of your relatives that you only see on major holidays. First up is your grandma, who makes a hilarious comment on how your jeans are ripped and asks why damaged clothing is in style. Next, your grandfather will come by and offer you a sip of beer, as if it is your first sip of alcohol.
Sitting at the bar, we have your drunk uncle, convincing the family that the beer he’s been drinking goes down like water and he’s okay to drive his Ford truck home. Silently judging everyone in the room, we have your aunt. Not only are her snarky comments toward the rest of your family nostalgic, but it’s great explaining why you don’t have a boyfriend to someone who’s been divorced twice.
Lastly, sit down at the kids table with all of your favorite cousins. Depending on how many you have, this includes one that just got married and wants everyone to know, one that’s barely ten and desperate to get to the adults table and one that you will be taking a “pre-dinner walk” with.
After Thanksgiving dinner, make sure to pick up your old high school friends, whom you’ve neglected to talk to until you get back home. Whether it’s to catch them up on drama with people they don’t and will probably never know, or to simply gossip about people you went to high school with, this great pastime will probably take the span of an hour. It will also remind you of why you don’t talk to them in the first place.
Exciting excursions with friends include going to Target and walking around, smoking weed in an abandoned parking lot and getting drunk in your friend’s basement. Better yet, head to your old high school parking lot and think of all the wonderful memories you had with the people you don’t speak to anymore.
On the drive back to Athens, as you sit and contemplate why you went back in the first place, remember that your home away from hOUme is supposed to stay that way. Now all you have to worry about is Christmas.
The Pest is a satirical column and does not reflect the views of The Post.