Evan Peters makes his debut, and AHS: Hotel parallels the first season of American Horror Story.


Oh, Ryan Murphy, what will you do next?

The much-anticipated premiere of American Horror Story: Hotel fell short of the premiere of Murder House. But can Murphy yet again redeem himself in the second episode?

There seems to be a few reoccurring themes already apparent here: vampires, mattress people, children and, of course, Lady Gaga.

But depth is important. We need more than a few bloody sex scenes (and no I’m not British) and overdose-induced deaths.

The episode fell a little short.

First of all, what’s up with Murphy’s hobby of putting people in mattresses? It’s weird, and if there’s any metaphorical aspect to it, I sure as hell can’t find it.

And why is the cop so bland? Almost every scene he’s in, I’m tempted to go on my phone and play Clash of Clans.

What is good in the episode is we figure out why the 10 Commandments play in the background of the title sequence. At least Murphy was able to put on his thinking cap for that one and make it a little clever.

The episode starts off with our favorite cry baby, Hypodermic Sally (Sarah Paulson), smoking a cigarette and looking sad. The camera pans to the mattress and, surprise, there’s someone in the mattress. It happens to be Gabriel (Max Greenfield), the heroin addict who OD-ed the episode before. Predictable. Sally then continues to sew him up without any contest from him. Nice.


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Sally then hears some screaming and runs downstairs. We see Holden (Lennon Henry), John’s son, sucking the blood of one of the dead Swedish girls. We then find out that she’s dead. Time for the body chute.

Now here’s when we find out how Gaga stays so young — she drinks the blood of the vampire children who drink the blood of hotel victims. Bloodception! Gaga and her buddy then drink the Hawaiian Punch blood (sorry Murphy, your blood sucks)

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Once again, we’re reintroduced to Detective John Lowe (Wes Bentley) in the creepy room 64. He’s sleeping and suddenly wakes up to none other than THE BOILED CABBAGE ROCK DRILL MATTRESS GUY! I was SO hoping for that to play out, but it was only a dream. He then wakes up AGAIN and goes to the bathroom. He hears some rattling in the shower and opens the curtain. And there are two of the mattress dwellers HAVING SEX in the shower. Their gross floppy, sore-ridden skin is hanging on each other. It was truly gross. I couldn’t wait to see more. Then ... HE WAKES UP. AGAIN. Murphy, the dream within a dream thing is nothing new — so stop using it. Ugh. Then, like clockwork, Lowe sees his son and goes dashing after him. Typical. He then goes and has a “drink” with our favorite, sad Sally. That is when we really see the addiction theme come into play — Lowe is an alcoholic and Sally is a junkie ... along with the hundreds of other residents. But anyway, we're thrown into a flashback of Lowe’s old drinking days. He’s investigating a murder scene where a whole family died of carbon monoxide poisoning. There was dinner on the table. This is where one of the STUPIDEST lines in a serious TV was said: “Broccoli ... someone cared.” Referring to the broccoli on the dinner table. I mean come on.


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And then Sally goes off on one of her crying tantrums again. One thing I have to say about this season is that it’s completely overdramatic. Everything is serious and nothing is a joke. It’s so annoying. Where are the witty comebacks and dry humor? They’re about as lost as the plot right now.

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We next see Liz Taylor (Denis O’Hare) who, I must say, is completely fabulous. The costumes and makeup on him are perfect. Every episode he slays and makes watching more worthwhile.

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We see Will Drake (Cheyenne Jackson), the new owner, throwing a very lame fashion show somewhere in the hotel. Naomi Campbell makes an appearance so Murphy has a reason to get a few more viewers. This is where Dandy ... I mean Tristan (Finn Wittrock), is introduced. He’s an addict model, who yet again plays the biggest brat in the series. It opens up to him snorting a huge pile of baby aspirin. After his walk, Drake yells at him and he cuts his face open with a pair of shears. Weird. While all that is happening, Scarlett (Lowe’s daughter) runs off with Drake’s son. She finds Holden sleeping in a coffin. She doesn’t show it, but internally she must have lost it. The focus pans back on Tristan as he’s breaking into Gaga’s room looking for coke. You can tell him and Gaga are going to have a relationship after that. Tristan is then taken to floor 7 when ... EVAN PETERS. FINALLY OUR BAE IS BACK.

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But, he’s not our Evan Peters. He is Mr. James March, an eccentric serial killer from the 20s. Now, usually I would totally be into this, but Murphy had to ruin it and give him an awful accent and an even worse pencil-thin mustache. We see him try to get Tristan to shoot a prostitute. And when he doesn’t, Mr. March does it with no remorse. Evan Peters, even though you may have an awful accent this season, we love you anyway.

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Ahh, and here comes Gaga. But, she’s done something awful. She’s turned Tristan into her new play thing and has gotten rid of Matt Bomer. MATT BOMER FOR FINN WITTROCK?! That is NOT a fair trade. It’s like trading your Halloween candy for a salad ... stupid, stupid, stupid. But, as we know from last season, Murphy has a little crush on Wittrock. Gaga lays down the vampire rules. Hunting, of course, is one of them. That is when Tristan says, “I can’t wait to hunt Kendall Jenner. ... Bitch blew me off once at Coachella.” I DIED. FINALLY, a little humor we all need in a show as gruesome as this.


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We are then spun back into time with a little bit of Evan action. We find out from Iris (Kathy Bates) that he was the original builder of the hotel and had plans to pretty much make it into his own personal torture chamber. We see him murdering everyone all over the place and throwing them down the body chute. He eventually gets caught, and the episode (pretty much) ends with him and the maid killing themselves before the feds get in. But he still lives in the hotel?

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The real episode ends with our favorite bland detective John figuring out the pattern between the murders … the 10 Commandments. And that’s where the title scene plays in.

Now, this episode really showed where Murphy’s inspiration came from. We see little notions of The Shining, like the alcoholic father, ghosts and the hotel. We also see a lot of inspiration from our beloved Murder House. But please Murphy, don’t make this Murder Hotel. Unfortunately, that’s what it’s playing out to become. And I don’t know if I like it. Stay tuned.

Rating 5.5/10