The Oscars have come and gone, awards season is officially over, and somehow Hollywood's desire to heap accolades on movies depicting Arab insurgents and homosexuals as real human beings- (gasp) did not rip the fabric of society and cause the downfall of America. (I, for one, was extremely worried.)
But now the slate is clean - no more Oscars for another year. Hollywood studios have another chance to mobilize their resources, bring out their brightest talents and start crafting a new batch of cinematic delights that will move and inspire us. Unfortunately, more likely than not they'll just serve up a slew of crappy remakes, rehashes and sequels instead. And once again, no doubt, I will be the only person on earth pulling for The Hulk II to hit theaters.
So I'm here to make a pitch for good old brick city. If Peter Jackson wants to shoot another protracted and ultimately unfulfilling remake or Johnny Depp wants us to know what Ronald Dahl books would be like on cocaine, why not set the films in Athens? We've got characters; we've got excitement; we've got union workers to demand a better craft service table.
Having big-shot producers film in Athens would please all parties. Regional tourism would increase, OU's national prominence would skyrocket when College Green graces the silver screen in the next coed sex comedy, and the city could tax the bejeesus out of the studios (the revenue from which could fulfill the true dream of Athens - a costly decorative fountain for every citizen!)
Of course, we're not quite ready for Hollywood yet. We don't have the glitzy hotels, day spas or Scientology temples needed to support a significant number of boulevard talents - not to mention our strategic reserves of fair trade coffee are wholly inadequate.
And we'll need a batch of stellar ideas to make the big shots flock to Athens. These people are perfectly content to film I Have a Vague Recollection of What You Did Last Summer on the studio backlot - we need to give them reasons to film it here. What those reasons actually are is way beyond me, as evidenced by the fact that I placed dead last in our newsroom Oscar pool. But rest assured they are out there, waiting to be found, somewhere.
In the meantime, for the benefit of the film moguls, I've taken the liberty of preparing a few reworked screenplay proposals that showcase the dramatic, exciting and (often unintentionally) comedic aspects of life here in our little Midwestern burg.
Citizen Krendl - Decades from now, OU Provost Kathy Krendl lies on her deathbed, surrounded by friends and family. As she fades away, a snow globe slips from her hand, and as it shatters on the floor, with her final breath she gasps Vision Ohio. However, unlike with rosebud in Citizen Kane
no one is ever able to find out what exactly Vision Ohio means.
Frank Solich's Bogus Journey - OK, sorry, that one is too easy.
Mrs. Geiger Goes to Columbus - In this adaptation of a 1939 Frank Capra classic, OU lobbyist Teri Geiger visits the seat of state government only to discover it is fraught with corruption.
When she goes to the Attorney General's office for help fighting the systemic problems, Jim Petro tells her to ask herself What does God expect of a mid-sized public university government relations director? Frustrated, she visits Secretary of State J. Kenneth Blackwell, who immediately links her to the Coingate scandal while pointing out that he, a central player in an entrenched Republican power structure spanning nearly a decade, obviously had nothing to do with it.
Athens Hills Cop - Eddie Murphy reprises his role as Axel Foley, this time sent to work with OUPD on a high profile Homeland Security case: the pursuit of the punk-band sticker bandit! Taggart and Rosewood also show up for a bicycle-dismantling good time.
At the end, viewers are left with the distinct notion that maybe Athens doesn't need Hollywood to come here because it is already a goofy enough place as it is.
- Noah Blundo is a senior journalism major. Send him an e-mail at nb344002@ohiou.edu. 17
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Noah Blundo
