BedPost is a sex and relationship column and will include mentions of sexual activity and other related topics. Reader discretion is advised.
When examining Generation Z’s slang surrounding sex, most words have violent connotations, like “smash,” “getting cracked,” “hit,” “bang" and even “rearrange your guts.” In popular music, especially rap, artists use the phrase “beat the p***y up.” We’ve normalized extremely violent language for the most intimate and personal experience people can share.
The way sex is verbally associated with violence influences how we experience it physically. Somewhere along the way, pop culture decided sex is only good if it's loud, fast and hard. Although feral sex can be exciting, it can also be primal, and not in a fun way. Your brain basically goes animalistic – there isn’t any eye contact, verbal reassurance or connection, and the adrenaline makes sex turn into cardio instead of an intimate moment.
Don’t be embarrassed to sound like an old person and want to “make love” instead.
In movies, sex is hurried and sometimes even transactional. You see characters kissing, clothes are removed, somebody hops on top, moans a few times, rides for a couple of seconds and then it's over. The act is quick and rarely shows emotions, depth or communication. These forgotten elements are what make sex such an intimate and valuable experience. Without them, it's just two animals humping each other without any character development.
The idea of gentle sex is now synonymous with dull sex, which is far from the truth.
Gentle, intimate and slow sex is still sexy, passionate and an amazing basis for lasting connections.
Sex culture is constantly evolving, and right now, being “freaky” and wanting aggressive sex is normalized, sometimes even expected. Asking for something slow and soft can feel prudish or unwanted.
Think about Hannah Horvath from HBO's Girls and her early relationship with Adam Sackler. Sackler only had sex with Horvath if he could degrade her and slap her around. Horvath was in love with Sackler, but in the early seasons, he only wanted violent sex, causing six seasons of an on-and-off, toxic relationship.
Gentle sex is “heart-opening,” “powerful and passionate” and extremely important for building lasting relationships and keeping intimacy alive. It emphasizes checking in on your partner, mutual pleasure and verbal reassurance. With the hustle and bustle of college, who doesn’t love being in bed with their partner and being able to relax, take it slow and feel good?
It can be embarrassing to ask for gentle sex in a culture that loves to push sexual boundaries. Exploring in the bedroom is necessary to spice things up sometimes, but there is an underappreciated beauty and softness in gentle sex that can’t be found with handcuffs and toys.
Communicating your needs and not forgetting affection in a passionate act isn’t boring, and it can further your emotional connection with your partner. It's the kind of sex where you moan and curl your toes while advising your partner to go slower. Communication and filthiness can absolutely coexist. Learning what makes your partner shake and beg for more is half the fun.
Sometimes it can be difficult to explain or communicate wanting gentle sex when “rough” and “gentle” can mean something different to everyone. Rough sex is such a vague concept that society doesn’t have a concrete definition for it – the only established meaning is in legal cases and pornography. Many people can think of rough as trying new positions, hair-pulling or mutually consented choking.
A study titled “What Is Rough Sex, Who Does It, and Who Likes It?” by the National Institute of Health found rough sex to be “multidimensional.” While some described rough sex as “choking, hair pulling and spanking,” others thought of “slapping, punching and making someone have sex,” which are definitely at opposite ends of the aggression spectrum.
When one side of the spectrum is consensual intensity and the other is bordering on forceful, it's no wonder conversations get murky.
Gentle sex also doesn’t have to be vanilla. It's not about limiting pleasure and excitement, but about focusing on mutual respect and choosing not to degrade or objectify your partner. Not everyone wants to be “broken” or “destroyed” in the span of 15 minutes.
According to Sexologist Natassia Miller, “pleasing a partner isn’t just about doing things to them … it’s about being with them."
Elements of rough sex, like choking or spanking, can be done respectfully and intimately. Rough sex exists on a spectrum, and so does gentle sex – any behavior that can be done aggressively can be done with love and care.
Cosmopolitan says women appreciate communication, an attentive partner and compliments, while men appreciate humor, confidence and participation, all key elements of gentle sex that are easy to integrate. If you can crack a joke, stay off your phone and say, “Next, lets try reverse cowgirl,” you’re halfway there.
It’s fun to be respected and heard during sex, and if we treat gentle sex as embarrassing, we decide honesty and vulnerability are embarrassing, too. Wanting gentle sex doesn’t make you boring or naive, and you shouldn’t be embarrassed to ask for it and advocate for yourself. Communicating what makes you moan, which positions you like and how great your partner makes you feel are all healthy and still sexy.
There’s really nothing better than slow, peaceful, skin-to-skin moments with somebody you care about. In a culture heavily focused on extremes, don’t be afraid to revert to classic missionary, gentle kisses and hand-holding.
BedPost is a sex and relationship column that does not reflect the views of The Post. Want to share your thoughts? Email the Editor in Chief at editor@thepostathens.com
