BOSTON, MA — With brand new technology coming from the capital of innovation every year, the newest Harvard tech has finally allowed a group of inventors to communicate with particular household pets.
To determine the state of consciousness and self-awareness of these animals, many questions about existence were asked, but “they frankly don’t care at all about anything important,” Margot Candice, a Harvard engineer, told reporters.
Countless tests have found that household pets, such as dogs, cats and lizards, to be completely apathetic to any meaningful events or ideas that could be occurring around them.
“I hope to god Karen doesn’t start crying again when I get home,” the thoughts of Rusty, a regular housecat, read on the scanner. “But tuna two nights in a row would be nice.”
“We found the thoughts of the pets to be completely superficial and meaningless,” Roy Vanguard, a Harvard University technician who worked on the project, said in an interview. “We expected that they’d have something meaningful to say, but there’s absolutely nothing. They mostly just care about food and attention.”
“When asked about the existence of God, the pets showed complete and utter apathy,” Julia Belham, a fellow Harvard engineer, said. “They don’t show any care for any of the philosophical life questions we as humans ask every day. They don’t even try to care, honestly.”
“Where did I bury that last bone again?” the thoughts of Oreo, a black and white mutt, read on the scanner. “It was probably somewhere in the yard. That’s where I’ve buried all the other ones.”
All that has shown from these tests is complete coldness toward the cosmos and the philosophical questions that have plagued humans throughout the ages.
“I don’t even know if it’s worth thinking about anymore,” Vanguard said. “I mean, the cats seem pretty happy, and they don’t give a shit.”
