If it weren't for Facebook, I'd have no idea that this was an election year. As you are no doubt aware, Facebook, the online community and the reason you didn't finish your last essay (admit it), has a new section giving subscribers the ability to share which election issues they hold dear to their hearts.
I don't know why Facebook does this.
Maybe they're trying to recapture some of the rousing success they had with their news feed. (Can't you just taste the sarcasm? Tastes like nougat). So I got to thinking, Why shouldn't I share some of my favorite issues? Granted, some of my issues are moronic, immature, self-serving and borderline dangerous, but remember that this is a country where freedom of speech is our most cherished privilege, plus, it's too late to stop me now.
My first issue is one that is very close to my heart, a little down and to the left, to be specific (Calvin and Hobbes reference = 500 bonus points): gun control. I know this is an issue that has split the nation in two, but I have the perfect solution: We get rid of all guns, firearms and explosives, and in their place, we bring back swords. And not just swords, but all varieties of melee weapons, including clubs, maces, bludgeons, bos, nunchakus and quarterstaffs would be made readily available, probably at Wal-Mart.
You see, bringing back swords and the like would require one to have a good bit of skill and experience to hurt anyone, and we can forget about sniper rifles. Trust me, it's not easy to take someone down from 50 feet away when you're holding a glorified stick.
Now, considering the level of violence in this country, why would I suggest the personalization of violence? Well, for a very good reason: I've had four Mountain Dews in the last 45 minutes, and I'm not really thinking clearly. Besides, this policy could bring back ninjas, which would be awesome.
Now, my second issue came to me in a situation that usually prompts some of my deepest, most philosophical thoughts. Namely, I was shopping for food. I was in Nelson Market a few weeks ago on a Saturday night, using up the last of my Super 14 meal plan, and they had a stereo, which happened to be playing Britney Spears' first song ...Baby One More Time. Of course, the song, recorded before the dark time known as the Federline Era, had me dancing and shaking the parts of my anatomy usually reserved for sitting, which was noticed by one of the cashier girls.
Now, I'm usually silent in line, mostly because I'm wondering why, in a college town, there needs to be a sign posted by the cash register which tells you how much money you have per meal on your meal plan, which is just a multiple of six, I mean are there that many people who can't multiply by six? Really? But I digress. The cashier girl noticed my dancing and remarked that she felt that Britney Spears was the voice of our generation, at which point I wept like an audience at the end of Love Actually.
The problem is, I can't really think of anyone else who could qualify as the voice of our generation. Michael Jackson's too old, I'm too young, and Dane Cook's been on MTV, so he's out. Every fiber of my being wants to suggest Chuck Norris, on the grounds that his tears can cure cancer, but he never cries, so I'm fresh out of ideas. Perhaps you, my dear readers, can come up with a few good ideas? If you can, email them to me, at which point I'll steal the ideas, publish a book, and become appallingly rich, so everybody wins.
So there you go, the two political issues that may actually make me vote this year. Probably not, but there's a chance. So, this November, rush out to your local voting areas and fill those ballots. I have faith because I know that the American government will, despite recent shortcomings, come through for its citizens. Mmm, nougat.
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Warren Locke
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