As usual, the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences got it wrong. I present the CORRECT list.
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY - Dustin Lance Black for Milk.
Who should have won: Grant Nieporte for Seven Pounds. A classic morality tale about the dangers of texting while driving (lest you kill your fiancée), and the ease with which you can bypass the standard medical procedures and just choose who you want to give your organs to when you die.
Runner-up: Jonathan Levine for The Wackness, because he wrote a legitimate screenplay that led to a movie being made starring Ben Ghandi Kingsley called The Wackness. Awesome.
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY - Simon Beaufoy for Slumdog Millionaire.
Who should have won: Jeff Buhler and Clive Barker for The Midnight Meat Train. While not a technical adaptation, Barker did steal the title from one of his own previous short stories. Understandable, since it's a great title. Perhaps even the BEST EVER?!
Runner-up: The Brothers Wachowski for Speed Racer. A film only killed by the fact nobody cared. A shame, really.
BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE - Sean Penn for Milk.
Who should have won: The dude who plays Mr. Big in Sex and the City. Hear me out, dudes who are in an uproar. The man took on the hefty job of playing a straight man who is VILIFIED for three out of four hours of the movie. Also, Sarah Jessica Parker hit him with flowers that probably had thorns in them. Ouchtown.
Runner-up: Toby Keith in Beer for My Horses. Do I really need to justify this one? Such a talent.
BEST ACTRESS IN A LEADING ROLE - Kate Winslet for The Reader. Finally
according to many of my theatre friends' Facebook statuses.
Who should have won: The woman's voice that keeps telling Shia LeBeouf to do things that would normally kill him in Eagle Eye. Such emotion. Such depth. All these things come together to showcase a great actress who turns out to be a supercomputer.
Runner-up: Kristen Stewart's teeth in Twilight. A welcome respite from having to look at Robert Pattinson's filthy-ass hair. Seriously, dude, wash it. PLEASE.
BEST DIRECTOR - Danny Boyle for Slumdog Millionaire.
Who should have won: Fred Durst for The Longshots. Showing the public you're good for something other than weird porn pictures on the Internet and rapping for a band named after a gross sex game - priceless.
Runner-up: Frank Miller for The Spirit. Proving not only does he not need Robert Rodriguez or Zack Snyder looking over his shoulder, but he can make a way better Sin City alone. Oh wait, this one's not a Sin City? Hm.
BEST PICTURE - Slumdog Millionaire.
What should have won: A stunningly moving story of disadvantaged children in an inner-city area, I thought Don Cheadle's second entry in his Hotels trilogy, Hotel for Dogs, was a shoo-in for Best Picture. Perhaps he's losing his touch as a hotelier?
Runner-up: My Best Friend's Girl. Um, last time I checked, any time Dane Cook did something snarky and over the top, it was a recipe for ensuing hilarity. True, it's a long shot, since the Academy is so down on comedies and always has been, but still. Worth a try.
Nick Philpott is a sophomore studying playwriting and creative writing. He has not yet seen Slumdog or Milk and doesn't particularly care that he's missing The Reader. Send him an e-mail at np714907@ohiou.edu. 4
Opinion
Nick Philpott
