Men spend a good portion of their lives in a seated position, and they do so with pride.
When a man sits, he really sits. I mean down. In a chair. Comfortably.
Comfort is key. Who wants to be uncomfortable? Nobody. Especially not men.
Scientists have been working for years to develop the chief of uncomfortable chairs for use in college classrooms: see the chair-desk combo, the unnaturally reclined chair and the “that’s not where a ridge goes” wooden seat.
Men have adapted to these increasingly contortionist-like chairs by developing a variety of advanced sitting techniques.
Most commonly, “the recline.” This sitting technique originated from the popular 2006 dance move the “lean wit it, rock wit it.” This allows a man to daydream about cushioned recliners while retaining his I’m-cool-because-I-don’t-care attitude. Sitting, after all, is all about attitude.
Next, “the slouch.” A proper slouch is not an indicator of future back problems; rather, it is a proud tribute to the thinker. A fitting honor, in a collegiate setting.
With an elbow resting on the desk before him, a man’s forearm can support two or even three times the weight of his head for periods of roughly 50 minutes. Plus, it makes for a great headshot.
Finally, “sit-up.” While the name pays tribute to an annoying parental nag, this position exhibits a whole lotta manliness.
First, in keeping with the similarly named exercise’s muscular benefits, this works out your lower back — men have notoriously strong Latissimus dorsi.
Next, it makes you look taller. Statistically speaking, people tend to think that taller people are in charge — a good thing, provided they don’t think that you are in charge of … bad … stuff.
Lastly, it allows you to avoid the horrendously uncomfortable back of a poorly designed chair.
Not all chairs hate people.
Some chairs — some beautiful, kind chairs — tenderly cradle your back and behind at roughly a 90 degree angle.
If a man were a chair, he would be ergonomic and have a slight bounce. He would have wheels for when he needed to roll across vast, wooden floors and would swivel when he needed to intimidate a business associate or entertain a child — an interesting dynamic.
He would befriend a footstool that could support feet and alleviate stress. He would provide proper lumbar support and perhaps even come heated. He would leave all who encountered him comfortable and satisfied.
Seems to me that more people should sit on men.
Men: everywhere they sit, a throne.
Alex Bill is a sophomore studying psychology. Ask him about man stuff at ab279708@ohiou.edu.
