Static cling cramps style like a Charlie horse during sex.
Men don’t wear dirty clothes. This does not mean that men do not take off dirty clothes (in slow motion, revealing slightly oiled abs). They just make sure that however the dirt got on that outfit, it happened while they were wearing it that day, not a week prior.
Wash those clothes, and appreciate it. While people might not notice the neutral clean of your jeans, they will notice the odd yellow stain on your shirt that you keep trying to pass off as mustard.
That being said, men go a step beyond. Invest in your laundry habits. People will notice.
I’m talkin’ ’bout fabric softener, fluffy cotton tingling so warm that you can’t help but push your face into that just-cleaned basket of towels.
The day after laundry day, when a man walks past, people say, “Wow, that man smells like a field of wildflowers, manly wildflowers, covered in aftershave.”
Men are comfortable, and so is their clothing. You don’t get comfort from crusty, stained shreds of fabric.
Laundromats. There is something romantic about sifting through change. Men are romantic — and they tend to collect large tubs of spare change. With such interconnected hobbies, washing your clothes almost seems too convenient.
Men have class. Wrinkles in clothing hide that class betwixt their jagged folds of evil.
Men don’t let wrinkle the fabric of their personality. They shouldn’t let wrinkle the fabric of their clothing.
No wrinkly shirts. No wrinkly pants. No wrinkly socks. I know what you’re thinking: “Who cares if my socks are wrinkly? No one is going to see them.”
My feet care if my socks are wrinkly, and I care about what my feet think. “What? We carry your fat butt around all day, in old, damp sneakers and you’re gonna dress us up in wrinkly socks? Unacceptable.” Then I’m all, “Quiet feet. Talking is the mouth’s job.”
But they have a point. You don’t fold your socks for other people; you do it for yourself. It’s taking that extra step in personal care that gives you confidence, that makes you feel like a man. It’s like shampooing your back hair.
Poor folding is not folding. It is strategic wrinkling, like brow furrowing. This is not an option.
Uniform lines, sharp and crisp. If you can’t figure it out, ask your mother. She’ll teach you a thing or two about being a man.
Men: Wash and relax.
Alex Bill is a sophomore studying psychology. Ask him about man stuff at ab279708@ohiou.edu.
@ThePostCulture
