Question
I'm a 20-year-old virgin in a new relationship. I look around me every day and see all of the casual dating and hook-ups happening on campus, but that's just not me. Is it reasonable to expect my boyfriend to stay with me if I won't have sex with him?
— Simply Celibate
Alex Bill
Of course it is reasonable to expect him to stay with you, provided he knew about your ‘you-ain’t-never-gonna’-get-some-of-this’ rule before the two of you started dating. If he learned about this after-the-fact, then you changed the deal. Differing views on sex is a very reasonable dating deal-breaker. As long as you informed him as to what you were willing to do sexually prior to any commitment, he knew what he was getting into and should be adult enough to make that informed decision.
You have me at a disadvantage, SC. You don’t tell me why you “won’t have sex with him.” Is it a ‘no sex until marriage’ thing or are you just waiting for the right time/person? Lucky for you, I don’t need to know. You know who does? Your new boyfriend.
Then again, I don’t know how far your ‘no-sex’ rule extends. Do you want an A-frame hug and hands cupped kind of relationship or are you okay with some heavy petting? If your only stipulation is no vaginal/anal intercourse, there is still a lot of very sexual interaction that the two of you can still enjoy.
Lovers of science, the Center for Disease Control (CDC) conducted the 2006-2008 National Survey of Family Growth (you can find this information on the CDC’s website), which found that in the United States by age 20 roughly 80 percent of individuals have had sexual intercourse.
So, while you may be in the minority SC, you are by no means some lone virgin wolf, prowling the college campus. There are other people who are not looking for sex but who are looking for significant others. Find and date them (which you are hopefully already doing).
The rest of those people, all those “casual daters” and “hook up-ers” that don’t share your attitudes about sex, don’t matter to you, and you don’t need to worry about not being them.
Sex is an important part of every romantic relationship, SC, especially if you are not having it.
(This is the website: http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/nsfg.htm)
Alex Bill is a junior studying psychology and criminology.
Steph Doan
Dear Simply Celibate,
You’re offering him a greater gift than sex right now: anticipation.
Sometimes those shivers and moments shared outside the sheets are even sexier than the deed itself — especially if the act of waiting makes you more comfortable.
Sex without connection is meaningless. Call it trite, traditional or wrong but standing up for something you believe in is always super hot. So girlfriend, you got it going on.
Yes, sex is great. It’s electric enough to generate more sparks than a split cable wire. But it can also hurt. Not only in physical ways you read about in teen magazines but emotional aches, too.
It has always floored me that sex education warns against Sexually Transmitted Infections, pregnancy and the dangers of breaking abstinence, but keeps mute that it sometimes leads to heartbreak and regret.
Why do we insist on separating emotion from motion in bed?
A relationship built on more than sex is the stuff of great romance. The most famous couples in history didn’t need sex to make love — Romeo and Juliet debatably did not consummate their relationship before death.
Make this clear to him early though, because if his intentions differ there’s a problem. Great sex — like great love stories — requires partners filled with more trust than lust.
I will never pass judgment on a woman or man who hooks up only for pleasure. We choose who we sleep with and why, or if we sleep with them at all.
But I got tired of snacking on Hostess cupcakes while the pastry chef was waiting just around the corner with a gourmet chocolate cake.
You’re amazing. I know this because you’ve made your choice without backing down. Boys don’t fall in love with orgasms — if they did it’d be legal to marry your own hand.
Boys fall in love with smiles, good conversation, worn-out jeans and the way a laugh sounds in a quiet library.
Maybe we’re not all looking for love right now, but we all have the choice to be celebrated as powerful outside the bedroom.
I say you’re being more than reasonable.
Stephanie Doan is a junior studying journalism.
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