My boyfriend and I have been dating for two years. We have decided to live together. We know that my parents would not approve of this. Should we tell them now, later or not at all?
Thanks,
To Tell or Not to Tell
Icannot, in good faith, approve of the rom-com cliché that would arise from not telling your parents. You must tell them. When you tell them depends on who pays the rent.
If your parents pay your rent, they get to have a say in where and with whom you live. Those multithousand-dollar checks they hand to you mean that you still belong to them. They are no longer beholden to “adult in the eyes of the law” you. You have decided (even if you feel as though you have been “tracked” into your current situation) to trade little pieces of your autonomy, for ease of living (aka access to their checkbook).
I hate to go all social contract on you, but your options are to not accept their rent money or to live where your ’rents tell you.
If hardworking and independent, you pay your rent, you can tell them whenever you would like. I recommend sooner. They can be upset that their no-longer-a-baby is rooming with a significant other, but they can’t stop you. You are an adult making adult decisions with your own adult money.
Remember, the longer you delay telling them, the longer you will be hiding the truth from them and the longer it will take for them to adjust — and unadjusted parents are bad for everyone.
Either way, your parents are not animals (this is an assumption). Treat them maturely and with respect, and they’ll owe you the same.
Alex Bill is a junior studying psychology and criminology.
To tell or not to tell, that is the question.
“Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer/The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune/Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,/And by opposing end them?”
This week’s advice quotes such “fancy” Shakespeare literature only because your letter begs a question trickling down through generations of parent-child relations: to feud or not to feud.
Well first, hiding where you live from family and friends is best left to the Witness Protection Program, so let’s eliminate not telling your parents.
Fighting with family is an age-old tradition. However, this does not mean it’s fun, so to avoid losing sleep, skip doing it: Don’t tell them.
So, unfortunately, this story ends without a resolution.
Seeing that we eliminate both, not telling them now and telling them later, in one swoop, no options remain.
But wait, in true Shakespearean form, there occurs an unforeseen twist in the plot. This abrupt turn unveils another option — a new hope for peace.
Don’t move in together if your family won’t support it. Families offer an unconditional love beyond betrayal and romance. As lovey-dovey as you two partridges will be in your pear tree, it is not worth digging up your roots. The whole tree could fall over, leaving no rescuers in sight when you shout “timber.”
If you choose honest communication sooner rather than later, a talk with your parents might change their minds, or they still say no.
But obliging family is my best advice, whether you take it or not.
Steph Doan is a junior studying journalism.
Send Steph and Alex your love and sex questions at
thebedpostpeople@gmail.com.
