The sneeze has long existed as a tool of destruction and chaos.
Proponents of creation and order, men have fought the sneeze since the dawn of time. Basic techniques involve looking away from the light, putting your finger under your nose and covering your entire face with cellophane and clothespins — recommended by one in 10 men provided he wants to make a YouTube video.
The first recorded use of the sneeze was by the devil. He would infect people with his demon magics, causing them to expel their souls from their bodies.
In response, men began equipping themselves with mini-exorcism kits that allowed them to “bless, in case of emergency.” Upon hearing a sneeze, a man would say “’bless you,” which would then save that person’s life and soul.
In the 1950’s, America waged its war against conformity. Companies began producing tissues rather than the ever-so-conformist handkerchiefs of the past because, although handkerchiefs are manly, carrying snot in your pocket is icky.
In the spirit of preparedness, a man always carries one of these face-saving devices.
Sneezes expel foreign particles from your body like communists from America.
During the Cold War, Soviet spies used sneezes as a covert form of biological warfare.
The average person sneezes at roughly 100 mph. The sneeze travels for about 20 feet.
With the ability to transmit influenza or even acute viral rhinopharyngitis — code named “the common cold” because of its connection with the Cold War — the sneeze serves as a powerful, short-distance weapon in an arsenal of advanced combat maneuvers employed by KGB agents.
Needing to respond to this unrelenting and vicious assault, the U.S. government turned to men. Against something so vicious, they had to invent an anti-sneeze. They called it a “nasal spray” and all U.S. agents began carrying it, standard issue. Problems only occurred when they confused it with pepper spray.
Modern terrorists have begun carrying un-x-rayable sneeze-based weaponry onto planes. They buy a ticket and just sneeze throughout the entire flight. Contained, lukewarm, circulating air then carries those disease-filled particles into the lungs of every passenger.
This forces them to take a few days off work and causes irreversible economic damage — truly a devastating terrorist tactic.
To combat this new security threat, an exceptionally manly woman, a teacher, in fact, invented a product called, “Airborne.” Terrorists cried the day it reached convenient store shelves.
Men: Advancements in science in defense of freedom.
Alex Bill is a sophomore studying psychology. Ask him about man stuff at ab279708@ohiou.edu.
@ThePostCulture
